4. masquerade

(or should I call it “masqueerade”? haha)

Hello, Internet!

As I mentioned in post #2, I’m gay and I live in a very homophobic house. The only person I’m out to is a close friend, and they’ve been great about it, although I don’t get to see them very often. Sometimes it feels like wearing a mask whenever I’m around other people. And sure, the mask doesn’t change who I am, but everyday I wear it feels like getting shoved a little harder into the back corner of a dark closet.

Every once in a while, I get this terrifyingly strong urge to just tell someone. I temporarily forget what the big deal is, why I stay so hidden. Then, someone in my family will say something hideous about my LGBT+ brothers, sisters, and wonderful snowflakes in between, and I will remember why I stay silent. It’s not for lack of wanting to defend myself or anyone else, but because even being a “straight ally” could put my relationship with my family in jeopardy. My feelings toward them are complex, because I love them and I honestly believe that they’re good people, and I could never survive without them; however, it’s really hard to hear the things they say, and to know that they will never accept the real me. I’m terrified of conflict, terrified of being judged, and so I hide.

I’ve been seeing a lot of things on the Internet lately about advice to LGBT+ youth, coming out stories, et cetera. Maybe it’s just the circles I run in online, but I feel like a lot of people forget to talk about coming out safely, and waiting out a situation you feel could turn volatile/dangerous at the news. I have mixed feelings about this, because I don’t want to scare people away from coming out, but I also don’t want anyone to maybe end up in this kind of situation because they didn’t think about the other person potentially becoming violent.

Thanks for reading.



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